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On Being a Solo - NOT Single - Mom

Words matter. A lot. As a professional writer with decades of experience producing tens of thousands of words every month for clients, and having published thousands of blog posts and a handful of books, I spend tremendous amounts of time considering words and word choice.

And that's why I've decided that I am officially retiring the term "single mom." It's not an accurate description, it's often said with disdain or in derision, it feels degrading, and it just needs to go.

Actually, I'm not just retiring the term. I'm murdering that bee-otch.

Let's discuss why by breaking it down.

In the two-word phrase, the second word is just fine. By virtue of having kids, I am a mom. First, I was a fur-mom to my dogs and cats. Then a God-mom to my beautiful God-daughters. And finally a mom to my wonderful son and daughter and an extra mom to a zillion of their friends who regularly invade my house.

Now let's examine the first word, which is the troublesome piece. "Single."

First, let's hit the dictionary. Actually, several.
From Miriam Webster:

1a : not married
1b : of or relating to celibacy

Oooooo-kay. Both are applicable in my case. Neither have a *single* thing to do with being a mom. (See what I did in that last sentence?)

Now, from Google's combined dictionary and thesaurus:

2. unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship.

 "a single mother"

 synonyms:unmarried; unwed; unwedded; unattached; free; a bachelor; a spinster; partnerless; husbandless; wifeless; separated; divorced; widowed;

 informal: solo

 "is she single?"

 antonyms: married

Again, none of that has anything to do with the fact that I'm a mom or my ability to be a mom. And the litany of synonyms is down right depressing.

So, over the past almost-two years, having been mostly devoid of in-person adult companionship while having upped my mom game with my babies out of both desire and necessity, I've come to the conclusion that the term "single mom" is just plain awful.

My ability to be a mom hinges in no way on being married or in a relationship. In fact, my children are happier and more stable now than they have been in the recent past. And while, yes, they desire more time with their father they understand why that's not happening right. When it's possible for that to change in the future, we are all open to the potential.

Beyond not liking the word "single" as a modifier for my description as a mom, I don't like the implications that there's anything wrong with being single in the first place. I am not in a relationship right now by choice. I have had the opportunity to go on dates and have had men express interest in me. And my kids are ready to chuck me at any man they encounter who isn't wearing a ring. But I don't want that right now and that's my choice to make.

When I am ready for that to change, fine. For now, I choose to identify myself as a divorced woman, not a single woman. That means that my prior relationship has ended and I am not open to a new one beginning at this time. Right now, in addition to momming and working more than full-time, I have the opportunity to rediscover who I am every single day. And that's okay.

The descriptor that I have chosen to embrace as a modifier to my most important role as a mom is "solo." Let's head back to the dictionary to understand why.

From Google:

1. for or done by one person alone; unaccompanied;

 "a solo album"

 synonyms:unaccompanied; single-handed; companionless; unescorted; unattended; unchaperoned; independent; solitary; alone; on one's own; by oneself

 "a solo flight"

unaccompanied; alone; on one's own; singlehanded(ly); by oneself; unescorted; unattended; unchaperoned; unaided; independently;

 informal: stag

 "he went solo to the party"

 antonyms: accompanied

The synonyms I love best from the word solo are independently and unchaperoned. Now, I can make decisions as concern my children on my own, without having to justify them to anyone else. I can be ME as a mom. And ya know what? I'm doing pretty dang well with that! I'm super proud, in fact, of what the kids and I have accomplished together, especially in most recent months.

Now, to Miriam Webster:

1: a musical composition for a single voice or instrument with or without accompaniment

 2: a performance in which the performer has no partner or associate : something undertaken or done alone

Ya'll know how big a role music and performance has played in my life, so I'm sure there's no surprise in Momma-land that I would embrace a descriptor that includes music and performance as a part of the definition.

And momming is an exquisite and complicated performance, much like a musician learning to master a very difficult composition. Love it.

So there you have it: I, the Momma in the Middle, am a solo mom, not a single mom.

What do ya'll think?
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